There are some people out there – I’ve heard stories of them spoken in hushed tones over the years – that wake up after a night out feeling fresh as a daisy and ready for life. They rival the person who somehow manages to get two bags of Haribo for the price of one out of the vending machine in their pure, unadulterated smugness. By 11am the morning after, they’ve already showered, dressed and found a cure for cancer. These people are mythical creatures. Maybe even robots.
But for the rest of us, life isn’t so easy the day after a few scoops. Us mere mortals stumble around for the duration of the following day, trying to piece our lives back together and struggling with gravity. Many of us – mostly me – will also look like this:
Now first of all, let me be very clear; there is no cure for a hangover. However, there are a few things that you can do to ease you through the suffering, shame and regret of ‘Le Hangover’. Allow me to elaborate:
1. Chicken Fillet Wrap – Anything from the deli that contains a chicken fillet is your friend after a night out. There’s a reason that they have special ‘student deals’ on any sandwich with a bit of hot chicken in it in every shop located within throwing distance of a university. Hungover students need chicken. They also need taco sauce and coke.
2. Sweatpants – Many people are under the illusion that sweatpants were made for exercising. This is completely untrue. Sweatpants were made for hungover people who find it difficult to manage any clothing with buttons. Today is a day for embracing the baggy clothing. A jumper is also to be recommended, as you’re likely to get the shakes at some stage of the day also, depending on what your drink of choice was the night before.
3. Hungover Friends – A hangover shared isn’t really a hangover halved, but it does help if your friends are feeling equally as shite as you are. I recommend spending the day with these friends and bathing in your self-pity together. Avoid the friends who remember more than you do of the previous night’s shenanigans. They will simply increase your levels of The Fear.
4. Chill Music – Soothing, easy-listening music of the Passenger variety is the only genre allowed on hungover days. Anything with a bass guitar or drums is probably too much for your fragile head today. Ed Sheeran, Emeli Sandé and Kodaline are also good choices for your troubled mind. Perhaps you should make a playlist in preparation.
5. Cable TV – If you’re not subscribed to tv channels that run shows like New Girl, Friends, Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother back-to-back all day long, every day of the week, then you’re at nothing when it comes to surviving your hangover. These channels were invented in anticipation of a hungover day. They’ll make you laugh out loud and forget that you accidentally ruined your life last night. Twice.
As a recap, on a hungover day, this is where you need to be: panned out on the couch with your chicken fillet wrap and your hungover friends, wearing your sweatpants, with your chill music playing in the background, watching back to back episodes of HIMYM. Just be prepared for the sudden, unanticipated, uninvited flashbacks that will come throughout the day. And, trust me, they will come.